Encyclopedia

This encyclopedia is a work in progress , but eventually will encompass the entire breadth of human knowledge.

A

Aardvark

A medium-sized piglike insectivore endemic to sub-Saharan Africa. "Aardvark" stems from the Afrikaans "erdvark", the "e" being replaced by two "a"s so that it could claim the distinction of "first animal in the English dictionary", stealing the throne from the anteater.

The anteater had been "discovered" to English science, and European classification more generally, in the early 16th century by one Dr. William Lloyd, a surgeon and amateur naturalist. In fact the animal had been known to some previously under the unbecoming name "dust pig" but had not yet been registered in the "Big Book of British Animals", which in 1670 became the subject of a small controversy when it was decided by the recently formed Royal Society of London that having an entry in said book would be a possible avenue for admission into its ranks.

Lloyd composed some notes on the "dust pig" from various unreliable sources into a cohesive document, and convinced the Big Book's editors to accept his submission partly by inviting them to a dinner at which he claimed to serve anteater he had obtained directly from his own journey to Africa, it being a widespread scientific practice at the time for naturalists to eat the animal they were cataloguing.

Lloyd's professional rival Frederick Samuel Murphy, who also sought admission to the Royal Society, essentially copied Lloyd's playbook but chose instead the even less well-known erdvark, swapping in the "Aa" so that his own submission would come ahead of Lloyd's in the Big Book. There was considerable editorial disagreement over the naming, as documented in the Official Proceedings of the 17th Colloquium of the Royal Society, some viewing it as a thinly veiled effort to take first place, while others (including a member who claimed knowledge of "the Africans' language" but who in fact was merely a good friend of Murphy) argued the "aa" was a legitimate transliteration into English, but in the end Murphy's Aardvark prevailed.

Arashad

Arashad, first of his name, was the fourth son of Adam, born in between Seth and Mike, who are generally located by biblical genealogists as third and fifth children.

Like Mike and subsequent progeny, neither whose number nor names are given in Genesis, though the number of 33 sons and 23 daughters given by Whiston in his edition of Flavius Josephus' Antiquities of the Jews commands broad agreed amongst scholars, Arashad is not mentioned by name, but is attested in several non-canonical Aramaic fragments recovered with the Dead Sea scrolls, where he is said to have lived for two thousand one hundred and eighty seven years, making him by far the longest living human of the tribes of Israel's ancestors.

Other scripts from the Dead Sea scrolls collection, supported by independent reports from 3rd century BCE Jewish historiographer Beshezat's "Reflections on the turmoil in Siriad" maintain that the name of Arashad was deliberately suppressed by the Methuselah cult that had arisen amongst M's descendants celebrating their patriarch. Between the Methusalites and the descendants of Arashad a bitter but generally bloodless rivalry had developed revolving around the title for who had lived the longest. The fact of Arashad's longevity was not itself in question but rather his eligibility for inclusion in the contest at all given the belief amongst some that his mother was not Eve but rather a female Nephilim, which accounted for his extreme longevity.

Interbreeding amongst the humans and Nephilim was of course not uncommon in those days, and offspring were both reproductively viable and accepted amongst humans but their exceptional physical abilities and attributes were both a source of pride and conflict. This ambivalence was particular vexing for the quarrel between the Arashad and Methuselah clans as the former were divided on the degree to which their ancestor's divine nature should be emphasized, the so called Nephilic faction seeing this as a contributing to their overall high standing while the Adamah faction believed it undermined their claim against the Methusalites.

This discord was exacerbated by the 19th Council of Nephilic elders which met every 7 years, at which council a further factionalization occurred, splitting off the elements of the Nephilic Arashadites which prized Arashad’s capacity for wisdom and soothsaying from those who saw his primary virtue in his powers of poetical composition which were considerable according to other fragments, suggesting his verse was capable of transporting humans and beasts into a sort of religious ecstatic trance, this being also the source of his legendary great herds of numinous goats, whose milk was considered so holy that no blessing was required for it to be considered kosher.

With the sons of Arashad so divided, it was simple for the united and determined Methusalites to effectively stage an editorial coup, taking exclusive control over the management of sacred texts, and thereupon to strike any mention of Arashad from the written word.

C

Coalition to Drain Loch Ness

A group of ragtag citizens and quack scientists with degrees from reputable universities but quacks nonetheless that formed in the 90s, advocating that Loch Ness be drained, to settle once and for all the question of whether Nessie, aka the Loch Ness Monster, is real.

E

Egocentric and cardinal directions

Egocentric, or body-relative, directions are those relating the position of objects to a person's body (e.g. left, right, up down), while cardinal directions are those relating the position of an object independent of body-relative language, e.g. "north" or "skyward".

The presence or absence of such directions in a given language may impact the linguistic resources available for conveying or translating position-related humor and colloquial expressions, such as:

Eyebrow threading

I don't know what this is, and frankly I don't want to know, I enjoy the mystery. It seems to be some sort of cats-cradle type game that is played with one's eyebrows, perhaps resulting in them being delicately manipulated into an intricate braiding pattern, which I imagine must be quite breathtaking.

I hope to one day see someone with such braided eyebrows.

F

Flexural modulus

This is a way of characterizing the brittleness of plastic, expressed in pounds per square inch. A plastic may undergo loss of flexibility over its lifetime leading to increased likelihood of irreversible deformation under stress, as when for example a child's sled is left in a loft or attic for several years and then exposed to below freezing temperatures and weight beyond its rated capacity.

Forester

A person who works in the forest, especially one who tends it, but also one who tends to chop it down. Sometimes the phrase is used aspirationally of oneself, as in "I'm a real forester" or of others, as in "Chuck isn't around much any more, you know he's a forester now."

G

General Malaise

A purely fictional military figure of unspecified though presumably Saxon provenance, the image of whom haunted Genghis Khan and is believed by some to have been responsible for much of the conqueror's otherwise inexplicable expansion beyond Western China and towards the Caspian sea.

While pursuing the forces of Khwarazmian ruler Muhammad II, Genghis's forces encountered a caravan of merchants amongst which was a traveler who had been chronicling the devastation wreaked by Genghis forces across Eurasia. Having decapitated the members of the caravan already, Genghis' high ranking nökör uncovered the man's diaries and were able to decipher some of them but, owing to the language barrier and the fact that they were no longer able to question the author, seem to have mistranslated the a description of "general/widespread disatisfaction/malaise" as if it were referring to a particular military "general" who was showing up everywhere that Genghis's forces had been, and spreading like wildfire.

Reportedly, Genghis was initially bemused but unconcered by the prospect of this mysterious enemy. But over time, as his aides (mis) translated more of the journals and they began to see the phrase occuring more and more often, Genghis became obsessed with tracking the General down and annihilating his forces.

Diary entries from this time reveal Genghis' frustration and betide his descent into madness.

We see signs of the General Malaise everywhere and hear whispers of his name on the wind, but so far he eludes us. We will not rest until his head adorns the top of a spike. early January
I awoke this morning in a sweat. The General had visited me again last night, the same as before. He taunts me through darkness and light. Still, I will see him burn. mid-February
Strangle him. Crush him. Burn his eyes out with embers. Trample him under foot till I hear the wet crunch of his skull. Nothing else matters. mid-April
I'll write its name the General if he wants. [unintelligible scribblings] If that's what he wants I will do it. [drawings of the moon in various phases] I have not found the right time, but it must be soon. [drawing of partial lunar eclipse with small figure adjacent] teeeeeeeeee [repeated for several pages] late-April

H

I

Ichthyosaurus

A genus of ancient reptile, whose name translates to "fish o saurus".

Ichthyosaurs, the order to which Ichthyosaurus belonged, are also basically "fish o sauruses".

Note that these are not actually dinosaurs per se, just like pteranodons and pterodactyls are also not dinosaurs.

Some people think that Ichthyosaurs live on today, deep in Loch Ness. This is quite possibly true, we'll never know until we drain the lake, which is why I support the Coalition to Drain Loch Ness.

M

the Moon

As the sun brings day, so does the moon bring night. Without the moon, there would be no night. This is why we must reject Alexander Abian's dangerous proposal to blow up the moon.

On the other hand, detonating a large nuclear weapon on the surface of the moon would probably leave nighttime largely intact and could do much to improve the morale of the American people, as recognized by the visionary Project A119.

Some children refer to the moon as "the moin", which is adorable but incorrect. Fortunately this error typically resolves itself by age 4. Other children fear the moon which is also adorable and incorrect, though less so.

The moon is resistant to photography for reasons that remain unclear and generally disregarded by the scientific community. Even with high-powered professional photography equipment it is impossible to take a picture of the moon that adequately captures its beauty. This led to the Samsung camera debacle of 2022 in which it was discovered that Samsung was using AI to boost the quality of moon photos taken with its phone cameras. The photos themselves in any case still failed to capture the moon's majesty. You can reproduce this phenomenon for yourself easily, just wait for a night on which the moon is particularly beautiful and take a picture of it, the result will be quite disappointing. But rather than despair we can instead see this as an opportunity to acknowledge the mystical power of the moon, which radiates a glory far surpassing the meager powers of our photographic technology.

the moon giveth and the moon taketh away
ask not what the the moon can do for you, ask what you can do for the moon
frankly my dear, i don't love you i love the moon

P

Pill bug

A jolly little bug, also known as:

R

Roman dodecahedron

This entry will be short since the purpose and meaning of these curious objects is entirely unknown, and all current theories are little more than speculation.

S

Seamster

A male seamstress, see also teamstress.

Skeletons

Skeletons are what's left when you take the insides out and the outsides off. Skeletons are for hitching meat to.

Skeletons can sometimes try to escape, going out of the body, and taking on a life of their own, which is termed "bonesing about", a whimsical term for a very serious matter. Such skeletons have been known to sometimes live long and full lives, as entertainers, famous chefs, tailors, and inventors.

It is well known that skeletons are fantastic dancers, though how it can be that their host body prior to their "bonesing about" may share none of their rhythm or musicality for dancing remains a great mystery.

Rarely, though not without precedent, a skeleton be forced back into its original host body. This involves many difficulties of both practical and ethical nature, for skeletons tend to rapidly build up their own lives full of friends and acquaintances and professional obligations, and almost never desire to return to their former host.

Skinos

Skino's. This is a place in lower Manhattan circa 2024. I don't know where it is. What is it? A bar or restaurant maybe. "Does he look like he knows where it is?" No, you're right, I don't.

Stalactites and stalagmites

Stalactites are the pointy things made of mineral deposits that hang from the ceiling or "roof" of a cave. Stalagmites are the pointy things made of mineral deposits that stick up from the bottom of a cave floor.

You can remember which is which because stalactites must hang tight from the "ceiling".

Sometimes these sons of bitches can be found outside caves, but not very often.

Sunbeam Vista Toaster

This is a classic toaster, touted by some as peak toaster design.

However it is actually inferior to most modern toasters in several ways:

If you buy it you will feel like a fool. Do you want to be reminded of your foolishness every time you make toast for your kid? Just buy a regular toaster like everyone else.

T

Teamstress

A female teamster, see also seamster.

Z

Zephyr

A mythical creature resembling a zebra in shape but not temperament in which aspect it more closely resembles the Thompson's Gazelle, after which the common wind pattern is named (not Thompson's Gazelle, the zephyr, we're still talking about the zephyr here), due to the creature's fabled swiftness.

Archimedes is said to have survived on a diet of zephyr while he was engaged in inventing the Antikythera mechanism, but this is unlikely, due to the historical range of the zephyr having been quite restricted at the time due to an overabundance of lions in the Mycenaean foothills, lions being its primary predator. The quantity of available zephy meat would certainly not have been sufficient to to sustain an adult human for the 3 months in which Archimedes is generally agreed to have spent preparing, especially since an old superstition forbade the consumption of most of the zephyr unless it had been blessed by the requisite number of Eleusinian priests, which would have been in short supply due to the aforementioned lion population boom, such priests also being the only ones deemed fit by ancient Greek society, by virtue of training and natural constitution, to hunt the lions.